Back again!

I'm staring at my laptop, having no idea of what I'm going to do here now. I feel like my head burns, and my heart aches, everything irritates me. I've been annoying to everybody else since the past two years I stopped writing, because little did you know, I'm bad at social interactions. Pretty bad at texting, even in conversations my mind took a long response for my mouth to say proper words.

You see me as a social butterfly, but deep inside me, I'm trying hard.

Did I change to somebody else? Or what has happened to me?

I also can't figure this out.

What I know now is that I feel a lot better when I spend time with myself.

I lost friends, lover, almost-lover, and a close friend. I tried to make myself believe that nothing's changed. I lie to myself that maybe... we'd make up and get along like we used to.

Neither me, nor them have the initial intention to hurt each other. Maybe it is just the way it is.
We only have certain season in each other's life to get something to learn, and after we learned, we evolved without realizing that we slowly became apart. No one's to blame. We just don't belong.

The thing we value together has gone.

Priority changes.

Feeling changes.

Memory changes.

We indeed shouldn't believe in forever. Shouldn't believe in eternity.

The reason I decided to come back to here because this is the best place for me to vent and free myself from guilt feeling. Whenever I text a friend about how my heart feel, I feel like they only know a piece of information that I haven't proceed until final.

I'm an external processor.

I have to write all things down to identify what I feel, what I think, what's the matter, why I feel this, why I think this, why I feel that, why I think that, what's the point of feeling this and that, to just sum up and to later think what's going on EXACTLY, is this really a matter, or is it only me, what to do, what I will do, and long list of what ifs. I cannot do all that inside my brain, I have to speak, write and get all done outside my brain. That's why, what I said before the executed actions often not in sync. 

The truth is, instead of saying something I've done thinking, I often said whatever comes up in my mind. So, in the middle of thinking I almost can change to whatever directions of chances.

I know exactly that  I'm bad at texting, bad at saying things direct, bad at social interactions. But, when I write it all down, I was sure that what I'm trying to say is there. I spend hours to think and to choose the proper words when describing how my heart feeling so yeah, I'm confident in every words I write here rather than words that came out from my mouth within seconds I thought.

But, I never regret this. I never regret something bad/stupid that I said, for I know I never meant it in the first place. I learned so much from those past experiences to be a better speaker next time, even I don't think I've improved any better. All I have to do as long as I haven't improved is only embrace this and move forward.

Anyway, there are lots to share here. I hope I can write as many stories as I can remember.
Been hiatus for three years because I don't have enough time for even my own self.

Now, it's time to run a writing marathon from past three years journey until today.

Multipotentialite (Job Story #2)

Something about "one true calling" always pops into my head, leaving questions:

"Why didn't I have one? Why do I have so many interests? How do I know the one? Who can help me to figure it out? Where can I find the answer? When will I know that? What should I do???"

It's piqued my curiosity and makes me gradually inquisitive.

I started to think that I'm not a specialist, maybe I'm a generalist.

Is it only 'one' true calling?

I could never figure out what do I want to be.
My passion towards anything always changes.

When someone asked, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" my answer goes from every different field occasionally—a singer, a policewoman then an architect, an athlete, a designer, musician, dancer, pharmacist, translator, voice actor, film director, preacher, teacher, writer..... and so on. It never stops changing.

Invisible Contribution? (Little Ripple #3)

When I was kid, mama taught me not to tell anyone about our giving because our Father will reward us for what is done in secret. Mama mentioned that giving isn't merely talking about money but also the hard-work and time.

One random midnight, I was awakened from my sleep.
I heard a cry and caught my Mama was praying.
I have no idea why she don't do it when everybody's up.

Then, I remember the time she told me about giving.
It is not all about money but also the time we give to God.
When you pray, it's only between you and God.
Do it confidentially.


The Hidden Figure

Someone who holds the important role even though no one acknowledge their contribution. (my opinion)

Mama is the first hidden figure of my life. She is both the best wife and best mother. Ever. She keeps her contribution to herself. Everything she does remain silent.

I cannot imagine how my family could be without her prayer, love and support.

Ironically, all of her love and kindness are taken for granted.
Instead of being appreciated, she get thing she doesn't deserve; — disrespected, betrayed, and neglected.

If only she counts the things she has done for us, she might never stay with us.

How not? She deserves a better life out there.

Nevertheless, her love is greater than the pain.
Although it's unfair, she never stop loving and caring.
She is the toughest Mama I ever have in my life.

Take a look at the past years (when I don't understand about this)
During the last of my teenage years, I was under influenced by radical teaching which led me being such a religious show off person. (Totally opposite from a hidden figure.) 

I posted all about God everyday in social media. (Don't get me wrong, it's great to share the good news but sometimes you have to be wise.)

I shared everything excessively, like a burning fire demanding on others to repentance.
The worse thing happened when I've been promoted to a leader role. The more role I bear, the more authoritarian I have become. (And you know, being authoritarian never good. It makes me isolated from everyone whom I couldn't tolerate.)

That's the first time a leader role become a burden for me.

I feel like I can't be that person anymore that I stepped down.
Honestly I still want to be a leader, but not like that.
I should have learned something new to be a good one.

I used to think that leadership talks about authority and attention.
I was wrong.

Leader is actually someone who brought out the best in team, not the center of attention who always point out what's wrong. That's the real essence of leadership skills.

“Beautiful things don't ask for attention” - The Secret Life of Walter Mitty

Yes, I couldn't agree more.

Unfortunately, I'm not the kind of person who keep all things private.
I love to share several things.

In my opinion, it doesn't matter to have other knows what you do.
Showing off, sometimes is okay.

You would say that I ask for attention.
(Well, okay. I do ask for attention. But, doesn't mean that I'm not beautiful, does it? Ha ha ha)

Actually my deep desire is to see people get what they deserve. Only that.

The Low-Key

There's another one that I observed to share about this.
Someone who said to me that he loves doing something behind the scene,

that he worked on project all by himself. Someone who's low-key. Just like Mama.

Though, the other takes credit for his work, (Like what happened to me lately)
It did not stop him to get things done. He's still putting all efforts and do very best into that. (Same case but different way of respond: I won't do my best for someone who steals credit for my work)

I still cannot understand how people like them handle this situation,

Until it hits me
Later, I realized that sometimes I don't need to be seen among others.
I don't have to always get credit in every single thing I do.

Well, depends on the situation. Both are good.
You will understand once it happens to you.

Make sure that the visible and the invisible contribution are well-balanced.

HOW?

When you tired of someone else who took all the credit for your work,
Make it visible. I think it's a natural tendency to protect our contribution

But, when praise makes you uncomfortable because you sincerely do that thing,
you can choose to do the invisible one.

It's all up to you. Enjoy your contribution.

Melissa Polii

August 6th, 2017

12:38 PM
(last modified, Aug 15th)

May—My Birth Month (Thoughts Into Words #2)

I used to be a difficult person. People would curious till death to open my mouth.
They would never know what happened to me because I looked okay when being blamed (even though that wasn't my fault). I never show them when I was suffered with the problem all alone. I never say what I want and always put others first.

I have no idea why I being like that.
But that was not the real me. The circumstance, that has shaped me.

May, is my birth month and I have passed twenty-two of them on the 19th day.

Zorine Kelana, The Best Intern (Job Story #1)

I met this girl last year when she interned in our Bank.
Majoring in Accounting, she worked at the same unit with me.

Front bang, oval face, white skin were enough to describe how she looks.
Afraid of gaining weight, she was the one who refused all the food I offer.
During internship, she wore white shirt and black short-skirt everyday.

She has many friends; being part of group that stick together for a long time. Her friends call her, Western alike.